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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
morning i hate girls evening i need girls