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Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.