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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.