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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?