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All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
Iām actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.