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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.