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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets