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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.