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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
I just threw up my weekend.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.