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Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
I have nothing!