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Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.