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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.