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Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.