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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.