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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.