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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.