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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.