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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?