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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.