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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"