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i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.