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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Iām amazed by how quickly I forget what Iām doing.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.