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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D