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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.