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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.