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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
The best things in life require no pants.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?