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I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
i like boobs