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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
I’m tired of things costing money.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.