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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I need more people like me in my life
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...