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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.