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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?