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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.