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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.