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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.