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Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...