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i am not so think, as you drunk i am
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.