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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?