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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.