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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"