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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."