Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Worry: a waste of imagination.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.