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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."