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I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!