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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject