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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?