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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.