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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it