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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....