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There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.