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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."