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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.