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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.