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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......