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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.