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My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.