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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.