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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late