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My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I want it all and I want it delivered.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.