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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.