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I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
No way Iām the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....