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Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.