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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.