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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
Hello...
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.