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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.