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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?