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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats