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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
You had me at 0 mutual friends