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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box