Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.