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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar