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Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.