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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
Iām not brave. Iām just past the age where running is an option.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, Iām lucky I eat at all.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.