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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.