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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!