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Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"