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Before the internet I used to like people.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?