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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)