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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.