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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Own the day
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.