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A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.