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I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.