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Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.