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Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I always advise people never to give advice.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.