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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on