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Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..