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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.