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Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
My internet goes out more than I do.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, Iām gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Sometimes I think Iām too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !