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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?