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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.