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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
My memory foam has amnesia
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.