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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?