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Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"