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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.