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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”