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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
French people give me the crepes.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.