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Before the internet I used to like people.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them