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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.